Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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