Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
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There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
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Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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