I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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