I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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