the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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