who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
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She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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