i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
pray to the hookup gods
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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