my mouth tastes like poor choices
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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