my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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