Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
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i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
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We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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