I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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