Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
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I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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