I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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