This house was built for laser tag.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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