My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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