I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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