toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
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you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
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He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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