I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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