where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
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we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
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I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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