I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize