she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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