Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
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He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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