and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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