I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
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Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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