In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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