god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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