i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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