I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
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That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
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We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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