did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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