We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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