my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
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Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
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Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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