there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
My cat gives me a boner
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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