After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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