why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
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I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
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I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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