If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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