I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
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It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
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Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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