The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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