There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
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Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
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Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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