pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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I slept with him to see his dog one last time
then he tried to convert me to islam
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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