Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
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just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
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Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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