i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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