There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
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I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
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I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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