I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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