Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
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i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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