I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
one might say we're banned from that church
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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