I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
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The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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