dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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