Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
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I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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