Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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