my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize